Yesterday I ended up in tears after listening to the guided imagery tape for weight loss on the way into work. Thanks a fat lot, Belleruth. It is all pretty innocuous stuff and I can't remember exactly what phrase triggered the tears but it made me take the leap. I took a depression assessment online (came back at "very depressed"--the one that admonishes you to "seek help immediately") and I finally called the EAP number to get a referral for a counselor. Pissed off that I'm here again but I've been ignoring that my mood hasn't gotten better with the change in seasons and this has been going on for 6-8 months.
I spoke with the counselor who answered the phone and she agreed that 1) I am dealing with a lot of shit and 2) I definitely could benefit from some counseling (and maybe a change in medication).
Just having that conversation made me feel a little more positive and helped me clear away some of the cobwebs. While I'm waiting on the call back from the local counselor, I know at minimum I need to start moving again--that's a big part of what helps regulate my mood and what I've been missing. This morning I logged 3 miles and tried to focus on how good it felt to move my body. Usually I think exercise is something to be endured as some part of my body is typically hurting (in the last six months I've had issues with plantar faciitis, tendonitis, back pain and Morton's neuroma, hooray!). Today I felt pretty good--and the Morton's was just a slight niggling irritation.
I plan on doing 4 miles tomorrow.
I did sign up to run a marathon in October and I haven't taken it seriously at all. In fact, the last few marathons I signed up for I've bailed on due to injuries--I guess maybe I feel that at my current weight I'll just end up back there while training so why bother starting. However, I'm going to keep increasing my mileage every week as long as my body stays healthy and work the counseling like it's my job. It's the least I can do for myself and my family.
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