Mental Block

For the most part, in the past when I've successfully lost weight, I have been able to envision the end result--and that's the image I'd conjure up when faced with temptation. It really worked--and since reading "The Power of Habit" I realize I stumbled upon the cornerstone of changing habits. I had figured out what I craved and kept it top of mind.

Since the kids were born, I have failed to find that lodestone. It's been so frustrating. I have tried to envision what success looks like when trying to fall asleep or at other odd times. I can't get past how I look now. The mental image of the heavy, lumbering me is SO ingrained--round hips popping out, pendulous belly engorged, muffin top in all its glory, monster jiggly/floppy thighs, back rolls, considerably fat arms, double chin, and full cheeks (facial and posterior). Intellectually, I can start down the path of envisioning myself as thin and athletic but my mind is like teflon...I just can't get that positive image to imprint.

Here are some of the images I can't get to stick:

• Me at my thinnest [visiting my Grandma in New Jersey, I decided to go for a run. I wasn't a runner and hadn't run since forced to take a lap around the track in high school but I was so thin and fit I ran for miles with little effort (and in the throes of an eating disorder but we're going to conveniently ignore that for this visualization]. When my Grandma saw me she called me "lithe". That was the first and and only time I've been called that. I was around 127 pounds)
• Me hiking with the kids--and keeping up with no problem
• Me at the beach, stomach flat and curvy waist
• Me in my orange Prana running capris
• Me hiking in a tank top--my arms cut (hard to believe I used to hike with friends in tank tops)
• Me looking good in jeans in my moss green hoodie

None of these resonate. None of them feel real. In the interim I plan on trying to do guided meditation exercises. It can't hurt. At some point I hope to figure out what it is I crave. I have to reframe it because "not being embarrassed by how I look and my inability to keep up with my kids" isn't quite cutting it, unfortunately. :(

When I met with Linda Spangle, author of a veritable shit ton of diet books and a really awesome person, she had me work on some go to statements since the visualizations were hazy. They included:

• I am stronger than I know
• I can do anything if I put my mind to it
• It's going to be ok

Of all the things I've thought/blogged about doing, all I've done is 1) NOT eaten a Starbuck's scone and 2) planned some meals. I half-heartedly followed some good eating principles last week--but I also far too easily didn't even think about what I was putting in my mouth. Durr. If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always gotten. Boo.