Define Yourself

I've been seeing a counselor (Christie) who is all about Brene Brown, moving past shame, forgiving and accepting yourself, etc. When I feel challenged about self-acceptance, she wants me to tell myself "I understand why this might be hard for you" (and here's the kicker) WITHOUT trying to fix anything or feel like this activity is a fix of any kind.

I find I am really challenged practicing this when it comes to my weight. I guess I struggle too because I didn't think there was room in this philosophy to challenge myself. And I know I need a challenge! When I've lost weight before the subtext of the messaging to myself was definitely shamed based (e.g., envisioning fitting into a particular outfit implied I was not good enough as I was, envisioning seeing an ex implied I was somehow better thinner--which makes sense, thinner is more desirable in most parts of this world).

Anyway, I moved past the shame of not running Chicago this year and my lax exercise schedule. When I was talking to my brother to wish him luck, he said he was under-trained but had heard of a coach who told his runner who wasn't particularly feeling a race to "define herself".

"Define yourself" as a mantra definitely resonates. My biggest question/challenge with this is "Can I define myself and do so while challenging BUT accepting myself and not shaming myself?"

Gratitude Journal

Christie suggested I keep a gratitude journal but I think I left it on my desk at work. I haven't been the best about doing it, but I want to make it a routine to journal before I go to bed. Lately I am waking up nervous and just not happy. I think focusing on gratitude might just help. Here are a few things I've been grateful for the last few days.

• Cool fall nights
• That I have a job
• That my kids (mostly) enjoy being with me
• Coffee
• NPR
• Liz's meditation instruction--especially her meditation on kindness (May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe)
• That I found something that I liked at Amy's--and it's adorable
• My friends (and my family who support me)

You are enough

You are enough, just as you are. That's what I've been trying to tell myself after my last session with the counselor. It's the first thing that's penetrated this thick skull in a long while!

My counselor feels that we need to fix the way I feel about myself before I can make any progress anywhere else (weight, career-wise, or relationship-wise). She suggested Brene Brown's Ted Talks on shame and vulnerability. I listened to them thinking, I am not alone--everyone feels shame and vulnerability and maybe it's ok to just be me. For example, I always hold myself up to two people professionally and I don't think I'm anywhere near as sharp, or confident, or motivated. It is something that has shamed me in the past. Now, I am trying to remind myself my clients/employers hired me. And that's what they get. And that's enough.

I had to give a presentation to a team of 6-8 and that's what I told myself before the remote meeting began. I have never been more confident, I don't think.

inspiring quotes from Reddit

Here's a sampling of some of my favorites from a Reddit thread about most unintentionally profound thing people had ever heard (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1lbldn/reddit_what_is_the_most_unintentionally_profound/).

Act or accept.

Well, the longer I am up here the longer I am scared.

Sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.

Everything happens. Everything passes

You've got to shit some bricks if you want to build a house!

People with no insecurities are closet sociopaths.

A wet man does not fear the rain.

You think you've had the best but that's only because you haven't allowed yourself to have better.

This life in that body of yours is the only hand you're ever gonna be dealt and moping about how you got deuces is only going to make you feel like shit while everyone is having fun. Instead, you gotta bluff like you got aces and make the most of what you got dealt, hope for the best and enjoy the game.

an end to stinkin' thinkin'

Oi. Fell off the wagon with the iron and the vitamins (it so doesn't help that I feel like hurling after I take them!). Will force myself to resume (herkkk). I have felt a definite impact on my mood.

I worked out every day while on vacation but since coming back a week ago I've managed only two outings--and one of those was a slow crawl around the lake perimeter with the kids. The good news is that I'm not exercise avoidant--I just need to make the time in my daily life.

I've been working with a Kaiser weight loss counselor and she has great ideas. I have just been too frickin lazy to follow through. Journal. Plan. Exercise. One out of three. A pitiful effort.

Feeling a bit down about my weight and the job situation. A counselor I just started seeing recommended listening to Brene Brown Ted Talks about shame & vulnerability. That cuts right to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? I do agree that is probably the key to ending the stinkin' thinkin'. Much work ahead.

I've had many stressors the last month or so: Euthanized our kitty (RIP, buddy), lost both rats, our elderly dog had EXPLOSIVE diarrhea all over the carpet and the walls by the kids' rooms (THAT was a fun clean up), and my beloved Rottie may have a migrating bullet in her lungs causing her to pant and cough up blood. I'm already in at the vet for about $600 and climbing, because I want that old girl in my life as long as possible.  Oh, and I had to treat both myself and my dear girl for lice on her first day of 3rd grade. And I have what (I hope) are phantom itches on my scalp.

Never a dull moment. Things are looking up a little. Looks like my wayward client (with a big project) is going to proceed so I will be able to break even for the next few months if I spread it out. So there's that.

Finally getting some lift

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. I guess that is a good indicator of my mental state. I didn't realize how low I was and how it was impacting me. Turns out that I was both vitamin D deficient AND anemic, which can both affect mood. I'm taking supplements and have had my meds bumped up.

I didn't realize one of the effects of one of the medicines at a normal dose can also affect weight. I was taking 1/3 of the recommended dosage.  My mood didn't improve after we did the first bump, and since going up further in dosage, I've noticed it has definitely impacted my appetite and interest in food. That's one of the first things to give me hope about being able to lose weight in a loooong time. I'm down about 4 pounds so far.

My EAP therapist thinks that my lack of motivation for exercise is tied to the depression. We shall see. I have gone out for walks/runs 3 times in the last 4 days, which is a huge improvement. I also quit caffeine two weeks ago (finally!). I suffered through a few mornings in the mountains on a camping trip, but taking myself out of my normal environment definitely helped. Hooray for baby steps.

Clambering out of the doldrums

I am taking some positive steps, hoping it will help me overall with getting motivated with both with both my career and weight loss.

I went to a counselor last week and I'm seeing her again tomorrow. She came up with an action plan for me that included:

• Getting blood work to see if anything else is going on (scheduled)
• Making an appointment to get a med re-eval (scheduled--bumping up dose until the appointment)
• Do something that nurtures me every day. Sorta slacking here...I need to make sure to get up at 5:00 so I can get some exercise in

It feels good to take action and I'm already a little more motivated in getting some things done that have been sitting a while. The first night I bumped the meds up I slept better than I had in a long while. Feels good.