an end to stinkin' thinkin'

Oi. Fell off the wagon with the iron and the vitamins (it so doesn't help that I feel like hurling after I take them!). Will force myself to resume (herkkk). I have felt a definite impact on my mood.

I worked out every day while on vacation but since coming back a week ago I've managed only two outings--and one of those was a slow crawl around the lake perimeter with the kids. The good news is that I'm not exercise avoidant--I just need to make the time in my daily life.

I've been working with a Kaiser weight loss counselor and she has great ideas. I have just been too frickin lazy to follow through. Journal. Plan. Exercise. One out of three. A pitiful effort.

Feeling a bit down about my weight and the job situation. A counselor I just started seeing recommended listening to Brene Brown Ted Talks about shame & vulnerability. That cuts right to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? I do agree that is probably the key to ending the stinkin' thinkin'. Much work ahead.

I've had many stressors the last month or so: Euthanized our kitty (RIP, buddy), lost both rats, our elderly dog had EXPLOSIVE diarrhea all over the carpet and the walls by the kids' rooms (THAT was a fun clean up), and my beloved Rottie may have a migrating bullet in her lungs causing her to pant and cough up blood. I'm already in at the vet for about $600 and climbing, because I want that old girl in my life as long as possible.  Oh, and I had to treat both myself and my dear girl for lice on her first day of 3rd grade. And I have what (I hope) are phantom itches on my scalp.

Never a dull moment. Things are looking up a little. Looks like my wayward client (with a big project) is going to proceed so I will be able to break even for the next few months if I spread it out. So there's that.

Finally getting some lift

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. I guess that is a good indicator of my mental state. I didn't realize how low I was and how it was impacting me. Turns out that I was both vitamin D deficient AND anemic, which can both affect mood. I'm taking supplements and have had my meds bumped up.

I didn't realize one of the effects of one of the medicines at a normal dose can also affect weight. I was taking 1/3 of the recommended dosage.  My mood didn't improve after we did the first bump, and since going up further in dosage, I've noticed it has definitely impacted my appetite and interest in food. That's one of the first things to give me hope about being able to lose weight in a loooong time. I'm down about 4 pounds so far.

My EAP therapist thinks that my lack of motivation for exercise is tied to the depression. We shall see. I have gone out for walks/runs 3 times in the last 4 days, which is a huge improvement. I also quit caffeine two weeks ago (finally!). I suffered through a few mornings in the mountains on a camping trip, but taking myself out of my normal environment definitely helped. Hooray for baby steps.

Clambering out of the doldrums

I am taking some positive steps, hoping it will help me overall with getting motivated with both with both my career and weight loss.

I went to a counselor last week and I'm seeing her again tomorrow. She came up with an action plan for me that included:

• Getting blood work to see if anything else is going on (scheduled)
• Making an appointment to get a med re-eval (scheduled--bumping up dose until the appointment)
• Do something that nurtures me every day. Sorta slacking here...I need to make sure to get up at 5:00 so I can get some exercise in

It feels good to take action and I'm already a little more motivated in getting some things done that have been sitting a while. The first night I bumped the meds up I slept better than I had in a long while. Feels good.

ZOMG. I did it again.

Holy smokes. I surprised myself this morning. I went for a 3 mile walk. It was kind of hot and miserable but I was out there doing it anyway.

On my drive into work I felt pretty hungry. I was close to Starbucks. I was fully ready to go. I was about a mile away and I thought, "you know hunger is not an emergency. Maybe you should try and see how it feels. It is not going to kill you." I decided  I would pass up the drive through for today but as my car got closer I entertained the idea of pulling in. Thoughts danced in my head: how full I would feel and how comforting it would feel to have that warm coffee in my belly and the yummy scone on my tongue. Your basic food porn. But for some reason some small part of me thought "No, you're not doing this today, you're going to try something different.  You are going to see what hunger feels like." And so I did. It was absolutely, totally a non issue. Boo f****** ya.

do something different

This morning on the way into work I was tempted by the evil Starbucks drive thru. It helped that I was kind of nauseous and not at all hungry but I convinced myself to drive by with three simple words. Do something different. I had a brief internal conversation  about where I'm at now, how much I don't like it, and how stopping would not at all help me. Score one for the home team. We will take whatever we can get.

The only way forward is forward

I have been trying to resist posting a purely whiny blog post--but the fact of the matter is that I'm struggling horribly and I haven't been able to admit it to myself.

Yesterday I ended up in tears after listening to the guided imagery tape for weight loss on the way into work. Thanks a fat lot, Belleruth. It is all pretty innocuous stuff and I can't remember exactly what phrase triggered the tears but it made me take the leap. I took a depression assessment online (came back at "very depressed"--the one that admonishes you to "seek help immediately") and I finally called the EAP number to get a referral for a counselor. Pissed off that I'm here again but I've been ignoring that my mood hasn't gotten better with the change in seasons and this has been going on for 6-8 months.

I spoke with the counselor who answered the phone and she agreed that 1) I am dealing with a lot of shit and 2) I definitely could benefit from some counseling (and maybe a change in medication).

Just having that conversation made me feel a little more positive and helped me clear away some of the cobwebs. While I'm waiting on the call back from the local counselor, I know at minimum I need to start moving again--that's a big part of what helps regulate my mood and what I've been missing. This morning I logged 3 miles and tried to focus on how good it felt to move my body. Usually I think exercise is something to be endured as some part of my body is typically hurting (in the last six months I've had issues with plantar faciitis, tendonitis, back pain and Morton's neuroma, hooray!). Today I felt pretty good--and the Morton's was just a slight niggling irritation.

I plan on doing 4 miles tomorrow.

I did sign up to run a marathon in October and I haven't taken it seriously at all. In fact, the last few marathons I signed up for I've bailed on due to injuries--I guess maybe I feel that at my current weight I'll just end up back there while training so why bother starting. However, I'm going to keep increasing my mileage every week as long as my body stays healthy and work the counseling like it's my job. It's the least I can do for myself and my family.

Crisis point

I think I may have hit bottom, a.k.a., my highest weight other than my pregnancy. No bueno.

I am truly depressed about the whole thing. I listened to my weight loss meditation tape (yes, tape!) the other day and woke the next morning hopeful, which is something I haven't experienced in a good while. Another couple days of eating without thinking (or listening to the tape again) and I'm back in the emotional basement.

I simply cannot keep on this way. Life is too short. I'm feeling old. I am dreading hitting the gym because I'm embarrassed by my gain. I am dreading hiking with the kids because I won't be able to keep up. I'm dreading the beach vacation. I'm dreading seeing old friends--in fact, I actively avoid it. This is no way to live.

While walking the dogs this morning I decided to count the number of times I thought about some variant of "I'm jiggly" or "life would be easier if..." or "if I started now, I could be at x pounds by y". I  could go on about those (and maybe I should) but I counted 6 separate times in 15 minutes. That averages out to one thought about weight loss every 2.5 minutes! Just imagine if I refocused that attention on actually losing weight or envisioning what success looks like.