Starchivore stampede

ZOMG. Just re-read my previous posts* and realized I have always had the toolkit to make this weight loss thing happen. And the biggest piece I should have been focusing on was what I realized in an earlier post:

When I did Medifast there was no big build up, no huge motivation, no great feeling of inspiration and hope. All I did was (mostly) follow the program and behaved my way to success. All you have to do is do it.

I'm towards the end of a two week vacation from work and I've found the time to clean and organize my atrocious office. I do a thorough clean up once every year (who am I kidding)  or two. There's been a big chain of things I've been procrastinating about** and that one is a biggie. Apparently getting back on the weight loss wagon was an even bigger (perceived) obstacle because it followed the office cleaning in the priority chain.  But I think I AM making space for it, getting my ducks in a row...

I've started the McDougall program, the Starch Solution (yay, potatoes!). A few days ago I spent an afternoon planning and making some lackluster on program meals (curry tofu scramble wraps and lentil soup are just going to have to be endured...for days). I did make some kick ass BBQ black eyed pea burgers, so there may be hope for having some enjoyable meals. A big bonus is that I've had no cravings or heartburn, so this might just be the right path for me.

Next on the procrastination list: updating portfolio, developing a professional education plan, and finding a new job.

*Confessions: I forgot this blog existed and there's another blog that follows my obsessing about (but not) losing weight which I began in 2006 and ultimately abandoned. You could say weight loss has NOT been my recent focus. Wallowing about the weight loss in an undocumented fashion has been my focus. 

**To be fair, I am not a total slacker. I'm a busy working mom of 2 fourth graders who has been grappling with depression and basically providing hospice for two elderly dogs for the past year and a half. Just before Christmas our oldest dog joined the lovely dog we lost to cancer last year and they are now romping on the other side of the rainbow bridge together. And I've gained back and hour and a half each day. I wouldn't trade the care I provided them for anything, but it was consuming. 

Remembering when I wasn't a tired old fat lady

Last week my daughter had her final basketball practice. It was the week after her last game so it was basically one massive girls vs. parents game of horse.

I managed to hit at least half of my shots (including a sick hail Mary two handed chuck from the sidelines) and a backwards one. The coach kept asking me if I had played. I didn't really...I've just shot around. Anyway, it was a reminder that I haven't been this exhausted and big for my whole life.

I'm starting to show interest in losing weight again--no commitment yet, but I'm easing up on it.

I've been home sick and yesterday, I watched a few episodes of the biggest loser--in tears. Meant to write down some pithy inspiring quote but I fell short. I know I need something to flip the switch, to get back to the mindset where I remember to FIGHT.

Downloaded Bellaruth Naperstack's wl journey meditation. I've found that helpful before. Going to go pick out an inspirational outfit for 20 lbs down the road AND figure out a few days of meals from McDougall. I can do this. When I put my mind to something, I can do anything.

I am enough just as I am.

It will be ok.

Of concussions, sprained wrists, and split pants

The same day I wrote my last post I got a small tear in the thigh of the inside of my jeans (where else). Got one more day of exercise in and then slipped in ice and gave myself a concussion and a sprained wrist. Cooling my heels for a few days...

Lynda just sent out an email with the subject line "Be amazed at what you can do". I like the sentiment. That is all.

Like a gym newbie

I *finally* got back to the gym yesterday. Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill winded at 4 mph (whoops--at least fitness comes back fast). I lifted and definitely felt the inactivity.

It looks like the gym has new owners. Some things had been moved around and it looked like it was in better overall condition. I hope Mark just decided to retire.

I was a little nervous to even look around--there were several other people there. Once I got off the treadmill, however, I realized almost everything was where it should be. It was funny to feel nervous in the gym. I can't let the next visit be so long that it feels that way again. I'm going to lift tomorrow again (Friday).

One of the things (I think) that has made me more motivated to get my life in order is that we said goodbye to our dear, sweet pup Tess this Monday. I know she would want me to be happy and living my life to its fullest, so I will.

Define Yourself

I've been seeing a counselor (Christie) who is all about Brene Brown, moving past shame, forgiving and accepting yourself, etc. When I feel challenged about self-acceptance, she wants me to tell myself "I understand why this might be hard for you" (and here's the kicker) WITHOUT trying to fix anything or feel like this activity is a fix of any kind.

I find I am really challenged practicing this when it comes to my weight. I guess I struggle too because I didn't think there was room in this philosophy to challenge myself. And I know I need a challenge! When I've lost weight before the subtext of the messaging to myself was definitely shamed based (e.g., envisioning fitting into a particular outfit implied I was not good enough as I was, envisioning seeing an ex implied I was somehow better thinner--which makes sense, thinner is more desirable in most parts of this world).

Anyway, I moved past the shame of not running Chicago this year and my lax exercise schedule. When I was talking to my brother to wish him luck, he said he was under-trained but had heard of a coach who told his runner who wasn't particularly feeling a race to "define herself".

"Define yourself" as a mantra definitely resonates. My biggest question/challenge with this is "Can I define myself and do so while challenging BUT accepting myself and not shaming myself?"

Gratitude Journal

Christie suggested I keep a gratitude journal but I think I left it on my desk at work. I haven't been the best about doing it, but I want to make it a routine to journal before I go to bed. Lately I am waking up nervous and just not happy. I think focusing on gratitude might just help. Here are a few things I've been grateful for the last few days.

• Cool fall nights
• That I have a job
• That my kids (mostly) enjoy being with me
• Coffee
• NPR
• Liz's meditation instruction--especially her meditation on kindness (May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe)
• That I found something that I liked at Amy's--and it's adorable
• My friends (and my family who support me)

You are enough

You are enough, just as you are. That's what I've been trying to tell myself after my last session with the counselor. It's the first thing that's penetrated this thick skull in a long while!

My counselor feels that we need to fix the way I feel about myself before I can make any progress anywhere else (weight, career-wise, or relationship-wise). She suggested Brene Brown's Ted Talks on shame and vulnerability. I listened to them thinking, I am not alone--everyone feels shame and vulnerability and maybe it's ok to just be me. For example, I always hold myself up to two people professionally and I don't think I'm anywhere near as sharp, or confident, or motivated. It is something that has shamed me in the past. Now, I am trying to remind myself my clients/employers hired me. And that's what they get. And that's enough.

I had to give a presentation to a team of 6-8 and that's what I told myself before the remote meeting began. I have never been more confident, I don't think.