Forcing the issue

It has gotten crazy hot here in the last couple of days. I have ONE t-shirt that covers my chubby arms to the elbow. My hot weather outfit has become my black exercise capris and that damn black t-shirt. I'm happy the school year is almost over and the kids aren't in summer sports so I don't have to see the same parents over and over again with me in the same outfit. Mortifying. I suppose I could shop, but it's SO hard to find t-shirts down to the elbow.

Last year this time I was 188, down 25 pounds from where I am now after three months on the Medifast program. One torn calf muscle and one exercise habit broken and here I am, one year later, right where I started.

I'm getting desperate. I'm sick of inhabiting this fat suit and I'm sick of feeling like this is just my lot in life. I'm sick of thinking about this and feeling bad about this all the fricking time.  I can change this. I can damn sure try harder.

I didn't lose one pound last month. I certainly didn't follow anything I outlined in my last blog post. I now feel like I have to force the issue. When I did Medifast there was no big build up, no huge motivation, no great feeling of inspiration and hope. All I did was (mostly) follow the program and behaved my way to success. All you have to do is do it.

So...here's the dealio:

The Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals

• 150 by my 45th birthday (1.75 lbs/week average//7 pounds a month)
• Sub 6 hour marathon in October
• Feeling good about myself again (freer, lighter, more confident)
• Confidence to find new job and provide better for my family

Exercise Plan

• Lift 2x a week 
• Walk/run at least 3x a week
• 10,000 steps a day (or equivalent) 6 days a week
• Spin 1-2 times/week
• Mat pilates?

Diet Plan 

• Create plan with 3 breakfast options and 6 lunch/dinner options
• Maintain food journal for next month

Other

• Blog daily for one month

Off to work on a more formal exercise and diet plan. Boring as all hell but necessary. I will post it because I need to be fricking accountable.

Meeting Monday Head On

Yesterday I watched the movie Lbs. After losing around 100 lbs, the main character declares "Monday finally came". I've been trying to force a Monday for eons...well, no, that's not entirely true. I've been mildly interested in making Monday come. Especially when I realize how frickin ashamed I am when thinking about seeing people who knew me before. I feel "less than" because of my weight and that pisses me off because I know how very ridiculous that is.

I'm not going to bemoan the state I am in or the numerous failed starts and stops (there are many). I not going to analyze or make excuses (at least not right now). The plain and simple truth is I am a 44-year-old woman who needs to lose 61 pounds. The weight is wearing on me. I can't afford to ignore the impact my obesity is having on me, much as I'd like to pretend that that's not the case. My knees recently started hurting. My heart feels like it's pounding a little more than it should in different situations. I am dangerously close to outgrowing clothing in my closet if I gain just a little more weight. It's time. I am going to look forward and meet Monday head on--and it's going to take me how ever long it's going to take me to put my baggage aside and to get this weight off. 

I always put the planning on the back burner because there are SO many other things I'd much prefer to be doing (including just enjoying food and not thinking about the impact on the bottom line). I've had 9 family-free days and here I am, trying to get my shit together at the 11th hour. If it weren't for that 11th hour, I'd never get anything done.

But here I am. I'm not going to overly complicate this. This week, I'm committing to exercise at least 30 minutes every day and log everything I'm eating (and keep calories within the 1200-1500 range). Most importantly, when I fall down (which I will), I am going to refocus and plow forward. Eyes on the prize, bitches, eyes on the prize...